Dear Leaders: Strive for Kind, not Nice
When it comes to leadership, being nice is not a virtue. Kindness is.
Here are four differences between “nice” and “kind” leadership?
Nice leaders need to be liked. Kind leaders need to be respected.
Nice leaders really want to be well-liked. This is their ultimate goal. But this goal won’t gain respect. In fact, I’ve often known leaders who are simultaneously well-liked and not respected.
“He’s a nice guy, but he really shouldn’t be in that role.”
Kind leaders don’t seek to be disliked, but they do want to be respected. They understand that respect comes from competence, standing one’s ground, and more. These are things that sometimes don’t win you popularity points, but they do earn you respect.
2. Nice leaders value positivity. Kind leaders value truth.
Nice leaders are all about positive vibes. They put a premium on making people feel good. This isn’t all bad in itself, but often the truth of a matter goes unaddressed, such as issues of poor performance. In fact, nice leaders seldom deliver hard truths that might make others feel uncomfortable.
Kind leaders are all about the truth. They see truth as a north star and will deliver it in a respectful way. Truth + respectful delivery = a kind leader. It’s both of these qualities that make for kindness. If you miss the truth, you have a nice leader. If you miss the respectful delivery, you have a cruel leader. Kind leaders do both.
3. Nice leaders are indirect. Kind leaders are direct.
Nice leaders have a hard time saying anything that isn’t positive. They are the ultimate “beat around the bush” communicators. When corrective feedback needs to be given, being direct is necessary, but nice leaders struggle with this.
Kind leaders are direct. When they deliver corrective feedback, they give clear expectations. They tell you what needs to change and specifically how to change it. And they deliver this information in a palatable way. Direct + palatable = kind.
4. Nice leaders get tangled up in the emotions of others. Kind leaders show empathy while remaining self-differentiated.
Nice leaders often get emotionally enmeshed with others. When heavy emotions are present, these leaders can lose their sense of identity. In this way, nice leaders can be manipulated. They often lose clarity on what needs to be done when emotions are running high.
Kind leaders empathize with those in emotional distress but remain self-differentiated. Self-differentiated leadership is a study in itself. In short, being self-differentiated means staying relationally connected without becoming emotionally fused. Kind leaders do this well. They have a heart for people without losing their brain for good business.
How do you know if you’re leaning toward "nice" or "kind"?
Here are four questions to ask yourself:
Are you delaying any hard conversations?
Do you find yourself holding back an opinion because you’re afraid of how it might make people feel?
Do you ever lose the ability to make decisions when someone is emotionally distraught?
When giving corrective feedback, do people walk away from you with a clear understanding of what is expected of them?
Here's to striving for kind leadership,
Tony Woodall
Founder, Roostock